Refining Your TOEFL Writing: 4 Academic Essay Techniques
The "Refining Academic Writing" material used in a US Grade 10 ELA class covers four techniques for improving a finished draft. It is not about writing from scratch. It is about fixing sentences you have already written. The goal comes down to three things: credibility, clarity and an academic tone.
The four techniques:
- Embed quotations naturally into your sentence
- Introduce authors by full name and role
- Change passive voice to active voice
- Replace weak reporting verbs with precise academic verbs
1. Embed quotations into your sentence
Dropping in a long quotation breaks the flow of your own sentence. Instead, pull out only the key snippet and build it into your sentence's grammar. The examples below are from Steinbeck's Of Mice and Men, where Candy regrets not shooting his old dog himself.
Four places to put a snippet
| Position | How | Example |
|---|---|---|
| Start | Open with the quotation to catch attention, then connect the subject and context | "I ought to have shot that dog myself" laments Candy, as he reflects on how he should have performed this task. |
| Middle | Set the quotation between your subject and your explanation | Candy confesses to George and Lennie that he "should have shot that dog" himself, and further notes that he regrets... |
| End | Give a lead-in phrase first, then the quotation and an in-text citation | Candy reveals to George his deep regret when he states, "I should have shot that dog myself" (Steinbeck 27). |
| Throughout | Spread several snippets across one sentence. The most polished approach | Candy suffers not only from grief, but from remorse as he reveals the knowledge that he "should have shot that dog" himself and that he "shouldn't ought to let no stranger" shoot his long time companion (Steinbeck 27). |
Punctuation for editing a quotation
Brackets [ ] serve two purposes.
- Adjusting the original word to fit your grammar or tense. realizes that he "should have shot that dog [himself]"
- Clarifying a pronoun with a name or explanation. let no stranger [Carlson] shoot my dog
An ellipsis ... marks words you cut from the middle of a longer quotation. If you drop words at the start or the end, what remains is already a snippet, so no ellipsis is needed.
2. Introduce the author with full name and role
When you bring in evidence or a quotation, do not throw out just a surname. Use full name + role + the claim. The reader then knows why this person is worth trusting.
| Author | Role | Sentence |
|---|---|---|
| George Orwell | English novelist and essayist | George Orwell, an English novelist and essayist, demonstrates how a government monitors citizens... |
| Rachel Carson | marine biologist and science writer | Rachel Carson, a marine biologist and science writer, reveals that widespread pesticide use can damage living systems. |
| Charles Dickens | Victorian novelist | Charles Dickens, a Victorian novelist, explores the nature of sacrifice and redemption... |
| William Golding | British novelist | William Golding, a British novelist, posits that without civilization, humans regress into basal savagery... |
From the second mention on, the surname alone is fine. The role is needed only once, at the introduction.
3. Change passive voice to active voice
Passive voice makes sentences longer and hides who acted. Move the person or thing doing the action into the subject slot and use an active verb, and the sentence gets shorter and firmer.
| Passive | Active | Subject |
|---|---|---|
| The poem's central metaphor was analyzed by the class. | The class analyzed the poem's central metaphor. | The class |
| The narrator's decision was questioned by the critic. | The critic questioned the narrator's decision. | The critic |
| The claim was supported by two examples from the article. | Two examples from the article supported the claim. | Two examples from the article |
| The results were compared by the researchers. | The researchers compared the results. | The researchers |
All four sentences got shorter. This does not mean passive voice is banned. When the doer is unknown or unimportant, passive is correct. But in academic essays many sentences are passive out of habit even though the doer is clear, so question those first.
4. Replace weak reporting verbs with academic verbs
Everyday verbs such as says, writes about, believes and states do not show how confident the author was. Choose a verb that matches the strength of the author's claim.
| Weak verb | Academic replacements | Example |
|---|---|---|
| says that... | argues, contends, demonstrates, posits, asserts | The historian argues that the reform expanded access to public schools. |
| writes about how... | examines, explores, analyzes, illustrates | The essayist examines how the narrator's repeated questions reveal uncertainty. |
| believes that... | hypothesizes, proposes, suggests | The researcher hypothesizes that the findings may suggest a link between sleep and memory. |
| states that... | claims, underscores, highlights, challenges | The literary critic contends that the final image challenges the story's promise of freedom. |
Pick the verb that matches what the author actually did. If they built an argument with evidence, argues. If they raised a cautious possibility, suggests. If they set up a hypothesis, hypothesizes. Attaching an impressive verb at random distorts what the author said.
All four on one paragraph
Here is the same content before and after. (These examples were written by us for this article, about an invented researcher.)
| Before | After |
|---|---|
| Dr. Lee says that sleep is important. It was shown by her study that students who slept more remembered more. She believes that schools should start later. | Dr. Hana Lee, a sleep researcher, argues that sleep strengthens memory. Her study demonstrates that students who slept longer recalled more details, and she proposes that schools start later. |
Four things changed. The author is introduced with full name and role (technique 2), the passive It was shown by her study became Her study demonstrates (technique 3), and says and believes became argues and proposes (technique 4). Where you need a quotation, take only the key snippet, as in she argues that sleep "strengthens memory" (technique 1).
How this helps on the TOEFL
This material is for school essays, so technique 1, embedding quotations, is rarely something you will use as is in a TOEFL writing task. Techniques 3 and 4 do carry over. In Write for an Academic Discussion it is easy to repeat Professor Diaz says that... when bringing in the professor's or a classmate's view. Switching to Professor Diaz argues that..., Mia highlights that... or Omar challenges this view by... widens your vocabulary in the same word count.
For how to approach each writing task, see Write for an Academic Discussion tips. For linking phrases, see 189 TOEFL writing transition words.
How to practice
- Find every says in your own writing. Replace each with a verb that fits what the author actually did.
- Underline the passive sentences. If the doer is clear, rewrite in active voice and count whether the words went down.
- Find the longest quotation. Keep two or three key words and fit them into your own sentence.
Rather than doing all three at once, revise the same piece three times, one technique per pass. It sticks longer.